The Latest Plague

Hey Michal, I changed the font so it should help a little, but I can't really figure out how to change the font size. I can easily code myspace, but this template code is a lot different looking...if you know it, can you let me know? Anybody? I know there's small, x-small...and then I tried normal and the font changed to Times New Roman or something. Haha, changing this layout in the first place was really a challenge for me. :)

Myspace is eeeeasier. :]

Well, my break was really busy-feeling for the first few days, and now I haven't been doing anything. I suppose that's kind of good, because it's actually a "break," so...yeah. I don't know if I said I was on Spring Break yet...so If I didn't, I am.

This is probably going to be a really really random, lalalala post.

Last week we finished up our Lit (Catcher in the Rye) stuff. Now we have a final project on it due next Thursday-ish. It's a movie pitch; that should be pretty fun.

I feel like I really have to get into the colleges thing. Is that too early? I don't know what to think of it anymore; it seems like everyone here pushes for that really early. They started talking about college requirements around fifth grade. Do they do that everywhere, or is that a Sammamish plateau we-want-scary-children thing? Anyway, I've been looking at colleges, not seriously really, just kind of exploring. I don't know what I want to study yet, but I know it's going to be in the arts. It has to be; I wouldn't be happy or satisfied doing anything else. And to tell you the truth, the concept of college really, really scares (as well as excites) me. I'm just so scared of it. I don't want to think about SATs or ACTs or ABCs or DEFs yet! I want to be nine and eat macaroni and cheese in front of a Disney movie! I'm only fifteen, which is probably going to be about a sixth of my life. Great, 5/6 left. :( I'm going to be twenty in five years. I like how I start thinking about death after I mention college. Maybe this association is part of what makes me so overwhelmed? Haha. But returning to the original subject, I don't know where I want to go. My mom has mentioned Chapman University, which has a lot of focus on film/cinema study. If that's where I want to go with my life. I don't know. I know that where you go to college isn't supposed to be the biggest deal ever, but it's still important. I'm kind of afraid to harness passion for film. It's very competitive and everything. My mother wants me to do a teen film program at the Seattle Film Institute. It's this intensive two week, all week day, five hour long thing. I know I have to do it, not only to develop skills, but to find out if this is something I would want to do. I have also been wondering if it's film direction I'm interested in or if it's storyboarding. Because apparently I make impressive storyboards. I don't know. I both like and dislike thinking about this. My dad has mentioned UCLA, a school I know next to nothing about. He also talks about Art Center, where he went, which is nice, but I don't know if I want to do the graphic design thing or not. I like how I have to think about this. I guess I feel like all this is really important because I don't think I'm going to be happy or satisfied with a normal house in a neighborhood, a 9-5 job, and a company car. I know that's exaggerating, but I think it gets my point across. I don't really think that I want a "normal" life, so to speak. I don't mean fame or fortune necessarily. I just don't think I want to have a job where I look forward to the weekend. I think I want to go to college in California. Maybe Washington. I don't know. I would go to New York, even, but that would probably make my mommy sad. :( I'd also like to explore video graphics/animation stuff, writing, graphic design, photography, music, screenwriting, digital/web stuff, multimedia design...stuff. And yet I don't want to. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

I want to graduate early or something. I've never really been able to fit into this school system thing, the people...I'm sick of the people. I don't know if it's the plateau or not. I think wealth changes people. It probably changes/changed/is changing me too, but I don't think I'm as bad as some people are. People just don't think about stuff, appreciate things, etc. I know I do it too pretty often, but I do actually pay attention to things elsewhere. I love Chelsea, but she didn't know what a sweatshop was until I explained it a few days ago. It's that kind of ignorance that kind of freaks me out sometimes. But I suppose that to a certain degree that makes me worse, because I have yet to do anything about it or to change my habits. Or maybe corporate power is just unstoppable.

So, essentially, I don't think I'd mind too much if I left early. Not dropping out, though. Nooooo. Or I would like to go to a private art school or something. I don't know. I want to go get started. I hate sitting in a stupid math-I-will-never-use class with kids who play varsity football and only talk about their wrestling match yesterday. Not exactly, but you get it, hopefully.

I watched Memoirs of a Geisha. I thought it was really great. I also saw King Kong. That was really great too. It was weird how it screamed Peter Jackson! throughout the entire film. He does a lot of those sort of tense and suspenseful scenes. You know, the ones that are pretty close and focusing on one character, often with the others kind of blurred into the background, and that one character is like looking around while the drums are pounding kind of like a heartbeat.

I also hate how I have like zero of these "extra-curricular activities." It's not that I'm lazy or something...it's just that I don't really have anything I'm interested in. People here are so obsessed with sports, and there's a lot of emphasis on one's ability in that area moreso than anywhere else. It's really annoying. I kind of wish I was one of those girls who dance and chase a new boy every week and then go shopping every time they're bored.

By the way, From First to Last is playing at SJSU this evening. (Have you decideddd yetttttttt?) I'm seeing them on Saturday...as if I haven't said that enough. Haha sorry, but they're one of my favorites. Heroine is good for you. :-] I can't even pick a favorite song off their album. It's all too amazing. I don't even own their actual album yet. I only have a downloaded copy from before the release. I am so pathetic. They're going to be on the main stage at Warped this year, and there's a possibility that Becca and I may go twice. And they just got signed to Capitol Records. (They used to be on Epitaph) Because you totally asked. Panic! at the Disco's shows sold out really quickly. I think it's kind of cool how all these indie label bands get really popular. Yay, indie.

There is popcorn all over my floor. Tessa and I hung out last night in my room and we had a miniscule popcorn fight while filming videos to send to my/our friend Becca, who is currently in San Jose visiting her dad. She's the one that I'm going with to the show. Becca's getting back from San Jose Saturday afternoon, and so...I think we're cutting it close. She has an 11:30 flight, the show's at 7, we're in the pit. Rad. Oh yes, and I made Becca an activity book for the plane. It was cool.

Lately I have been trying (slowly...) to figure out what I need to get my room together. It's really...unorganized and lacking in...storage, shelves, etc. You might not be able to tell when you visit because I have stuffed things in drawers, closets, etc where they don't belong. Anyway, it's just frustrating. Oh yes, and I finally completed my note wall, a part of the wall that I kind of sectioned off and put all the notes my friends have written me on. It is nice. There are quite a few strange ones, like Chelsea's drawing of a pooping dog.

I have a stack of books I want to read, and I also have a bunch of magazines that have gone unread. Roar times seven-hundred and thirty-eight. (?)

Anyway, this past weekend. Friday Chelsea and Jordan came over. While I was eating my dinner, they were playing this alphabet game, (here) which I totally owned Jordan at, by the way. 3 seconds. You should try it. It's quite addicting. I have showed them FFR (Flash Flash Revolution, that game that Brian and Eric play/played). Hahaha, Jordan is such a nerd at it...it's great. I know I said this before, but his haircut...makes him look like a different person. Then on Saturday I went to Kaitlin's with Annie. We watched Moulin Rouge. I hadn't hung out with Annie in a really, really long time, and I hadn't hung out with Kaitlin in over a month, so it was nice. Sunday I slept over at Chelsea's house. A dog peed on her bed. Now everyone is out of town, basically. Chelsea's in Leavenworth, Kaitlin's in Nashville, Becca's in San Jose...about 3458309284 people have gone to Hawaii, I think Greg's in Canada...Katrina's at Disneyland. Haha. Rad.

I'm taking driver's ed on May 2. I decided I didn't want to do it during the summer; that'd ruin a lot of plans. I'm kind of scared to drive, in truth...but I can't wait to get my license and stuff and be able to do stuff on my own. Like not relying on my parents to get places, get things done, or get stupid floss from the drugstore. You know how it is...

I hope we get to go to Europe this summer, but I don't think so. :( We have friends living in England who might move back next year, which is part of why I think my mom wanted to go this summer. It's a little late to be planning, though. I would really love to visit Europe. Really, truly, honestly, definitely, absolutely, surely, undeniably, undoubtedly.

About 2 months left of school. Thank God. I am so sick of Inglewood. So sick of Junior High. I think it's interesting how people seem to have changed so much this year. I know that a ton of people smoke and drink now, but I guess that just generally people seem more open to everyone else and meeting new people. Like, gossip and being cool isn't as huge with most people anymore. The seventh graders...hahaha. I'm sorry, but I think that the majority of the seventh grade population needs to get their brains fixed. :) People ask if I'm emo. No offense to kids out there trying to be emo, but I don't think emo exists and I don't think I'm "emo" at all anyway. I'm too bouncy.

I would really like a cookie at this time. One of those red/green sugar cookies at Christmastime.

We switched seats in math. I sit next to Philbin again. This is the third time in a row, and I think the fourth time total.

I hate being agoraphobic. I didn't think I had any phobias, but I'm kind of thinking that this is a phobia. It's just really, really unnatural and I hadn't realized just how weird it was or how much it impacted my daily routine. I don't know if I already talked about this or not. If I did, you can skip over it. I'm just kind of rambling and thinking, so it doesn't really matter. I have big issues with walking down the street, especially alone or in the dark, even with groups. It's not that I'm afraid of like, rapists or killers or something following us. I don't know what I'm afraid of, but it just bothers me a ton. I have also crammed this computer/desk into a corner, at least for now, because I am...in a corner. I usually can't walk calmly or easily across the center of my room because there is wide space between my body and the wall. I can't just stand in our hallway(s). I seriously have to run across the garage to the refrigerator because it's...space. I get really paranoid out in our backyard. It's just really weird.

My sleep schedule is really messed up too. I've also been a night owl, but sometimes during these breaks I just kind of stop disciplining myself and stay up as late as I really want. That means that I go to bed at 4 am and wake up at 1 pm regularly. I'm really concerned because it seems like whenever that happens the week going back to school is really horrible...I wish I was one of those crazy morning people who wake up at 6 all perky and ready to take a walk. Crazy.

I was sitting here a few days ago, and I was feeling particularly ambitious. I decided that I want to start a record label, a clothing label, and a film studio before I die. I also want to have a dog. The end.

Chelsea and I were talking about this a few days ago. We were saying how we kind of wished that we were guys, and not in a transgender way. Like, we think it would have been better if we had been born as straight guys...naturally. We still like being girls. This probably sounds insane. So nevermind.

It's really annoying because one of my ears keeps doing that plugging-up thing. Just thought I'd share.

I think there's something wrong with this laptop. My dad seems to think I have corrupted it with a million viruses, which is entirely possible, but it's had weird malfunctioning problems since like its first week in our household. I think that's a little early for me to have downloaded a ton of viruses...but who knows. I think we might just have some really screwed hardware. It likes to bring up this one screen a lot...a pretty blue screen that says, "System Error, contact service provider." It's pretty frequent. In the past it has enjoyed freezing up when a user logged off, and it currently likes to fail to start up programs when first turned on.........among other things, like not being able to use email for whatever strange reason.

I have come to realize how much better this year is than last year. I hadn't really sat down and thought about it before. Of course, it's stressful and stuff, but that's unavoidable. I guess that I mean just general happiness. Last year was really bad, and I think that that was partially due to the fact that I had very few friends. It wasn't really that I was a loner or that I hated people. I just didn't find many people that I identified with. And that happened A LOT this year, which I'm grateful for. Like, last year I was really broken down all the time, and I think that was because of my lack of...people that I cared about who cared about me, my outlook, and my choice to be like that. My mom used to, and she still does, tell me that you can choose to be happy, you can choose to have a good time. I didn't really realize it was true until lately. I thought that your emotions were things you couldn't really control. I was wrong.

And so ends Natalie's deep thinking session of April 5th.

I want to go play video games. I want a Playstation so I can play Kingdom Hearts. And so I will leave you with a picture which contains deep symbolism for you to ponder: